Feeling Inadequate...

   It has been nearly three months to the day that I last posted here. My little blog is often on my mind, especially when I read posts and updates from all of my favorite blogs on my lunch break at work. I find myself wondering how all of the successful bloggers do it: their posts are witty and informative, they have YouTube videos and Podcasts, some are publishing books...they are, in short, amazing, and I feel like an imposter. I often have to remind myself that that is their career. They blog, Insta, Twitter, and record all day, every day. They are not working 8 to 5 in an office and taking two college classes a semester while writing a massive prior learning portfolio for class credit so they can graduate in 2020 instead of 2023 and coordinating a very active nine-year-old's extracurricular activities. (Well, maybe some of them are, and they are absolute powerhouses and I want to be just like them when I grow up.) I don't think I've cooked a meal yet this month. (Which goes to show just how amazing my husband is, because he is the one cooking, cleaning, and working 50-plus hours a week at his own job as an industrial electrician. We just celebrated our ninth anniversary and I am still overwhelmed by the fact that this man is my husband.)

 
   I need to remind myself to focus on the things that I have done, rather than the things I haven't. My inner monologue is a constant litany of "I need to write a post for Ellie; a post for SageWoman; write the reviews for EHS; make dinner; finish the new hire files; get to the gym; post my Experiential Reflections discussion..." and so forth. All of us do this. Instead I should recall what I did do: an A+ on my proposed Degree Plan Prospectus; got Bubbah to all of his Taekwondo classes on time last week despite working late; have an expected eleven new hires scheduled for the next house orientation later this month; wished my oldest friend a happy birthday on time (she's 29 for twelfth year in a row, she's amazing and I want to know her secret); and made four loaves of chocolate-zucchini bread for the company bake sale to benefit the Resident Activity Fund. Not an entirely wasted week, all in all. I didn't do everything I wished to do, and I didn't do some things that I needed to do (my Experiential Reflections post was due on Thursday; I am hoping to get it posted after I finish this)

   During a discussion with one of my professors last week I was encouraged to pursue my Master's Degree in Women Writers of the Nineteenth Century. I was flattered that he thought me capable of this, and my husband jumped right in to offer his support. I, being the self-defeating person that I am, was immediately wracked with doubt: my professor has only read what I have produced for this class: he has not seen the stack of rejection letters from publishers and agents; I don't get to the work I want to do on the blogs I write for, and on this one, because I can't seem to manage my time well enough to do everything; I'm struggling at work. How could I pursue a Master's Degree?

   I was of course overlooking the fact that I don't need to do everything. My husband is my partner and is overwhelmingly supportive of my endeavors. "Only two years for a Master's Degree? You should go for it." No, Joshua, please don't encourage me down the path to madness...oh, wait, I'm already lurching along it.

   What are the things I do need to do? Go to work, do my schoolwork, help take care of the house and our son, and take care of myself. I'm not doing a very good job of this last task. I stay up too late catching up on homework and emails, all of my prescriptions ran out sometime last week and I still haven't called for refills, and I think I missed a dentist's appointment on Wednesday. (Oops) Exercise is something I talk about in a manner similar to a Unicorn: an elusive, mystical creature that I may one day see if I believe hard enough. Hiking up the three flights of stairs to the Unit Managers' offices a few times a day is the closest I get. I suppose it's better than nothing.

   I went back to the basics and grabbed a notebook and broke my day down into step-by-step increments, listing the most important items I need to accomplish. I haven't added any writing/reviews/ritual work/social activities/self care as yet, because it's all I can currently do to achieve these items. It's a start. Gradually I can begin to work in things that are important to me (and what I hope will be my career...HR is fun, but I really want to write. That's why I started this blog in the first place.) I figure if I can at least succeed at the few things I HAVE to do, I will eventually manage to succeed at the things I WANT to do.

   With that in mind, I will sign off for now; I have a discussion for Experiential Reflections of Learning that is overdue.

CHOCOLATE ZUCCHINI BREAD

2 sm. zucchini (about 1/2 lb. total) or 2 c. grated 4 c. flour 1/2 c. cocoa 1 1/2 c. sugar 1 tsp. baking soda 1/2 tsp. baking powder 3/4 tsp. salt 1 tsp. cinnamon 1/2 tsp. nutmeg 1 1/2 c. oil 3 eggs 1 1/2 c. milk 2 tsp. vanilla Preheat oven to 350°F.Butter 2 (8 x 4) loaf pans. Grate zucchini. In a large bowl, combine flour, cocoa, sugar, baking soda and powder, salt, cinnamon, and nutmeg. In another bowl, combine zucchini, oil, eggs, milk, and vanilla. Stir zucchini mixture into the flour mixture, just until blended. Pour batter into prepared pans. Bake until a toothpick inserted into the center of the bread comes out clean, about 1 hour 15 minutes. Cool on rack for 10 minutes, then remove from pans and cool completely.

    Enjoy!